After Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TED talk, “We should all be feminists,” I have noticed an increasing number of men laying claim to being feminists. Like them, I once called myself a feminist, but no more.
Instead, I realized I am an ally of women’s rights — an issue for which I am ready to lay down my life. While some may say that this makes me a feminist, it is not a label that I feel I can wear.
I come from the school of thought that feminism is a lived experience. If you have not lived a day in the shoes of a woman (or a trans woman), you cannot label yourself a feminist.
A white person who stands against racial injustice cannot call themselves “black.” A straight person who allies with LGBT people wouldn’t say they are “LGBT.” Likewise, I do not believe that men can suddenly take on and understand fully the issues that women face.
I believe that every man is a sexist. Every man has the potential to make remarks that are sexist, express opinion that put women at a disadvantage, or act with inappropriate force. They may not mean to do so, as it’s a form of unconscious bias. Unconscious bias also means that every white person is, to a degree, racist and every straight person is at least a bit homophobic.
We live in a world where institutions and systems are usually designed to advantage men — and in most societies, white men. As a gay black man, I try to make the conscious decision to be aware of my privilege and, believe me, as aware as I am, I still fail.
Once such occasion was last year. I visited my local gym to inquire about joining. A young lady showed me around the gym and informed me of the membership options available. She also said she is a personal trainer and invited me to consider working with her.
My first, unchecked thought was, “What? A female gym instructor in this gym full of macho men?” I couldn’t imagine myself being coached by a woman in front of them.
It was an innocent thought, but I quickly realized its harm. Here I was, a pretentious “male feminist” denying a woman the opportunity to make an income because I was afraid my fellow men would make fun of me. I realized I had become a product of a sexist society.
This kind of unconscious bias and discrimination is just one example of the challenges women have to live through on a daily basis.
Hundreds of thousands of women have shared their stories of #EverydaySexism, of being assaulted, dismissed, looked over, and talked down to by men. In a recent story, a woman recounted how her boss wished male employees Happy New Year by shaking hands but demanded a kiss from her. She quit soon after.
Gender-based violence is a frequent form of discrimination, including by men in power. Across England and Wales, the “most serious corruption issue facing” the (mainly male) police service is police officers sexually abusing female victims and suspects, including survivors of domestic abuse. In the U.S., Donald Trump will become President this month despite bragging about grabbing women by their private parts, a form of sexual assault that 23% of American women have experienced in public spaces.
This kind of abuse is also often accompanied by victim-blaming. On New Year’s Eve, men sexually assaulted numerous women in Bangalore, India, and the (male) Home Minister for the area partially blamed women for copying “Westerners” in their dressing. In Nigeria, in recent conversations about addressing domestic violence, a leading (male) constitutional lawyer and rights activist blamed women for not reporting incidents of violence they face.
Some might argue that people should be allowed to call themselves whatever they want, and that my stance is perhaps petty or minute. That if well-meaning men believe in gender equality, they can call themselves feminists. That liberals shoot themselves in the foot with this kind of nitpicking. That standing up for one’s sister, aunt, mother, daughter, or significant other makes one a feminist.
But to me, lived experience is important, as are the labels we give ourselves. If you have not personally been cat-called, victim-blamed, or made to feel uncomfortable at your job because of your gender identity, then you have no legitimate right to call yourself a feminist.
You can, however, be an ally — what I will call a “femally.” To be one, you have to see beyond those women with whom you are close (i.e., don’t just stand up for your daughter) and recognize that every woman is a human with equal worth.
So, my fellow men: more of us need to take a stand for women’s rights. But we must do so as allies.
Disclaimer: The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this article belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to BRIGHT Magazine.
